I feel like I'm pulling my life together as an adult, by myself. It almost scares me. I guess growing up has to happen to everyone...but I didn't know how easy it would be to fall into the place of taking out my own loans, paying for my own credit cards, and saving up for my own car. It makes me feel...old. Last year wasn't as much of a growing up experience as this year has been for me. Paying car insurance, taking out student loans without a cosigner, paying my own bills, signing a lease on my first apartment. I never expected everything to happen all at once.

But, as they say, that's life. :)

So, about the roommate saga. We had a meeting with the RHD, and, we talked things over. We're going to start working on communication as a whole in our room. Wendy, Lauren, and I had dinner with Jeff and two girls from across the hall, Sara and Jamie, tonight...and it went well. I had fun with them. Hopefully things keep up like this!!!

i close my eyes
thought i was lost but i was stranded
i go outside
to my surprise the sky had landed
i thought it made more sense
if i could only keep you guessing
i was a fool to think
that i should stop you from undressing
now i'm believing all the words you say
that i can't say back to you
to you

so i fall
i don't wanna feel this small
you know i just can't handle this
handle this at all
and i'll just fall
i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as stall
and wonder when i fall

i kiss your neck
i feel you breathing on my shoulder
still i'm perfect
it must be you cause now it's over
i was so close
that was the most that i have ever been through
now old cassettes and cigarettes
will be the ones to save you
how can you ask for me to stay
when all you ever do is go?
just go

and so i fall
i don't wanna feel this small
you know i just can't handle this
handle this at all
and so i fall
i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as i stall
and wonder when i..

go on
you've kept me waiting
go on
and watch me as i fall
i don't wanna feel this small
you know i just can't handle this
handle this at all
and so i fall
i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as i stall
and wonder when i...

How can it be a bad day? It's 66 degrees out in the middle of March, I got an A on my Language midterm, and a B on my Literature short paper. My boyfriend surprised me after my Lit class and walked me home.

Oh, yeah. This is how today can suck. I have to leave for Psych lab in a few minutes, and TROUT SUCKS ASS. It's official.

Anyways, I'm out.

It's been a long, long time. I don't know where to go with that, haha. Spring break has gone by too quickly. It made me realize just how much I missed being with my family. I met my dad's girlfriend, and she is so nice. I like her, a lot. :)

Basically, I want these next 7 weeks or so to go by rather quickly. I can't wait for Cedar Point. I miss the summer. Plus, so much will be going on. Jeff and I are celebrating my 19th birthday together. Our one year is on June 19th; we took that day off of work. We plan on going parasailing (right outside the park over Lake Erie), and going out to dinner at Olive Garden. We don't know what else. I just want to go walk with him on the beach at night, and even just lay by myself on the sand under the moon. It excites me like none other; how peaceful the beach can be at night when everyone else is gone.

Tomorrow I get to pick Jeff up. He was in Pittsburgh for break. The time apart was good for us, but, I do miss him. He keeps me sane. He is amazing to me.

I just wish there would be some way to combine school at CMU, being at home with my family, having Jeff around, and working at CP. I miss my family so much when I'm at school and work. It hurts, knowing that I'm all grown up and except for when I come home, I won't get to have that family time anymore. This is my home, yet, it isn't my residence anymore. It kills me inside that I didn't value my time here better than I did. It went by so fast, I grew up so fast. It just scares me sometimes when I think about it: how quickly life goes by. You have to appreciate it. I know how cliche it sounds, but, this past year has gone by in a flash. I miss how everything used to be, yet look towards the future with bright eyes. Nothing will be the same, yet it feels so familiar. I always thought that being older and moving out was what I wanted. I wanted to feel independent and get out of this town. Really, though, sometimes I wish I were back in high school, living in the safety of my own home.

Wow. Enough of me getting so deep tonight, haha.

Today was a bad day. I got a voicemail from my dad today when I got up at about noon saying to call him. That was all it said. I knew something was wrong. Well, I'm going home for a day on Monday. My uncle Kenny passed away yesterday morning from lung cancer. I'm going to the funeral on Tuesday. Then, I lost $20 somewhere today. I don't know where. It just...upset me to the point of crying again. Blah.

Life is...life. It's been treating me well lately. I got a smack in the face (metaphorically, of course, haha) last week that made me realize things I have been doing to Jeff that I didn't WANT to. It was well-needed, naturally...now I know what to focus on. Things are good now, though. We spent the entire weekend together, just the two of us. It was nice. Friday night we went to K-Mart, Target, the book store, got Chinese food, and went to Coldstone. It was great fun. Yesterday...eh. We walked to Meijer. Bad choice. Haha. We endured a blizzard of sorts to get there. Today we're going to go to Wal-Mart and Deb. Yeah. Good stuff. I have to read an entire play tonight for my quiz in Acting tomorrow, Jeff and I have to study Physics for our exam tomorrow, and he has to practice his speech. We're going to have a busy day, I guess, haha. I almost got a tattoo yesterday. Woo hoo? I decided against it, though...for the time being. Anyways, I really have no clue what to say in here anymore. I'm content for once.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I am having a GREAT day. My Christmas is amazing. I didn't get that much...but what I got is exactly what I want, and, there's a reason behind not getting that much. I got 3 books (The Bell Jar, A Million Little Pieces, The Virgin Suicides), a DVD (Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story), an adaptor for my iPod Nano so I can plug it in to a wall socket to charge it (I love this; this will be great on the bus ride since my battery life is basically non-existant), a gift card to Hot Topic (band shirts, yeaaaaaah), and, I GOT A NEW PHONE. My dad got me a Nextel, and he's putting me under his plan and paying for it for me, hence the reason I didn't get so much. He got me the gift that literally keeps on giving, haha. It's the i560 in black. I get 450 minutes a month, 7 PM nights/weekends, and unlimited walkie talkie. I LOVE it, it's amazing, and I'm so excited that my dad got it for me. I had no clue he was going to; he told me that he'd take me to look at phones and we'd talk about it, but, until then, he'd just get me minutes for my prepaid. He tricked me. :). I called Jeff at like 8 this morning, all excited about it. He picked the exact phone I would have picked out. I love it times infinity, and I'm so grateful that he got it for me and is willing to pay for my phone for me.

Whoa. I was wrong about last night being the worst. Tonight definitely takes that cake. I called him the worst boyfriend ever...yelled "fuck you" repeatedly...told him I hate him sometimes...called him a "fucking asshole"...told him I didn't know why I was still with him...and told him to kiss my fucking ass. Wow. It was bad. I think almost all of that was said out of pure anger, but still. I wonder if it got the point across.

Me=worst girlfriend ever. I basically told Jeff tonight that if he wasn't coming here next semester, with the amount we've been fighting and him not liking talking on the phone, even with me, anymore, we would have most likely broken up before May. And, he agreed. Gah.

We need to work on this communication thing.