I feel like I'm pulling my life together as an adult, by myself. It almost scares me. I guess growing up has to happen to everyone...but I didn't know how easy it would be to fall into the place of taking out my own loans, paying for my own credit cards, and saving up for my own car. It makes me feel...old. Last year wasn't as much of a growing up experience as this year has been for me. Paying car insurance, taking out student loans without a cosigner, paying my own bills, signing a lease on my first apartment. I never expected everything to happen all at once.

But, as they say, that's life. :)

So, about the roommate saga. We had a meeting with the RHD, and, we talked things over. We're going to start working on communication as a whole in our room. Wendy, Lauren, and I had dinner with Jeff and two girls from across the hall, Sara and Jamie, tonight...and it went well. I had fun with them. Hopefully things keep up like this!!!

i close my eyes
thought i was lost but i was stranded
i go outside
to my surprise the sky had landed
i thought it made more sense
if i could only keep you guessing
i was a fool to think
that i should stop you from undressing
now i'm believing all the words you say
that i can't say back to you
to you

so i fall
i don't wanna feel this small
you know i just can't handle this
handle this at all
and i'll just fall
i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as stall
and wonder when i fall

i kiss your neck
i feel you breathing on my shoulder
still i'm perfect
it must be you cause now it's over
i was so close
that was the most that i have ever been through
now old cassettes and cigarettes
will be the ones to save you
how can you ask for me to stay
when all you ever do is go?
just go

and so i fall
i don't wanna feel this small
you know i just can't handle this
handle this at all
and so i fall
i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as i stall
and wonder when i..

go on
you've kept me waiting
go on
and watch me as i fall
i don't wanna feel this small
you know i just can't handle this
handle this at all
and so i fall
i let my heartbeat drop
i falter as the music stops
and you watch me as i stall
and wonder when i...

How can it be a bad day? It's 66 degrees out in the middle of March, I got an A on my Language midterm, and a B on my Literature short paper. My boyfriend surprised me after my Lit class and walked me home.

Oh, yeah. This is how today can suck. I have to leave for Psych lab in a few minutes, and TROUT SUCKS ASS. It's official.

Anyways, I'm out.

It's been a long, long time. I don't know where to go with that, haha. Spring break has gone by too quickly. It made me realize just how much I missed being with my family. I met my dad's girlfriend, and she is so nice. I like her, a lot. :)

Basically, I want these next 7 weeks or so to go by rather quickly. I can't wait for Cedar Point. I miss the summer. Plus, so much will be going on. Jeff and I are celebrating my 19th birthday together. Our one year is on June 19th; we took that day off of work. We plan on going parasailing (right outside the park over Lake Erie), and going out to dinner at Olive Garden. We don't know what else. I just want to go walk with him on the beach at night, and even just lay by myself on the sand under the moon. It excites me like none other; how peaceful the beach can be at night when everyone else is gone.

Tomorrow I get to pick Jeff up. He was in Pittsburgh for break. The time apart was good for us, but, I do miss him. He keeps me sane. He is amazing to me.

I just wish there would be some way to combine school at CMU, being at home with my family, having Jeff around, and working at CP. I miss my family so much when I'm at school and work. It hurts, knowing that I'm all grown up and except for when I come home, I won't get to have that family time anymore. This is my home, yet, it isn't my residence anymore. It kills me inside that I didn't value my time here better than I did. It went by so fast, I grew up so fast. It just scares me sometimes when I think about it: how quickly life goes by. You have to appreciate it. I know how cliche it sounds, but, this past year has gone by in a flash. I miss how everything used to be, yet look towards the future with bright eyes. Nothing will be the same, yet it feels so familiar. I always thought that being older and moving out was what I wanted. I wanted to feel independent and get out of this town. Really, though, sometimes I wish I were back in high school, living in the safety of my own home.

Wow. Enough of me getting so deep tonight, haha.

Today was a bad day. I got a voicemail from my dad today when I got up at about noon saying to call him. That was all it said. I knew something was wrong. Well, I'm going home for a day on Monday. My uncle Kenny passed away yesterday morning from lung cancer. I'm going to the funeral on Tuesday. Then, I lost $20 somewhere today. I don't know where. It just...upset me to the point of crying again. Blah.

Life is...life. It's been treating me well lately. I got a smack in the face (metaphorically, of course, haha) last week that made me realize things I have been doing to Jeff that I didn't WANT to. It was well-needed, naturally...now I know what to focus on. Things are good now, though. We spent the entire weekend together, just the two of us. It was nice. Friday night we went to K-Mart, Target, the book store, got Chinese food, and went to Coldstone. It was great fun. Yesterday...eh. We walked to Meijer. Bad choice. Haha. We endured a blizzard of sorts to get there. Today we're going to go to Wal-Mart and Deb. Yeah. Good stuff. I have to read an entire play tonight for my quiz in Acting tomorrow, Jeff and I have to study Physics for our exam tomorrow, and he has to practice his speech. We're going to have a busy day, I guess, haha. I almost got a tattoo yesterday. Woo hoo? I decided against it, though...for the time being. Anyways, I really have no clue what to say in here anymore. I'm content for once.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I am having a GREAT day. My Christmas is amazing. I didn't get that much...but what I got is exactly what I want, and, there's a reason behind not getting that much. I got 3 books (The Bell Jar, A Million Little Pieces, The Virgin Suicides), a DVD (Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story), an adaptor for my iPod Nano so I can plug it in to a wall socket to charge it (I love this; this will be great on the bus ride since my battery life is basically non-existant), a gift card to Hot Topic (band shirts, yeaaaaaah), and, I GOT A NEW PHONE. My dad got me a Nextel, and he's putting me under his plan and paying for it for me, hence the reason I didn't get so much. He got me the gift that literally keeps on giving, haha. It's the i560 in black. I get 450 minutes a month, 7 PM nights/weekends, and unlimited walkie talkie. I LOVE it, it's amazing, and I'm so excited that my dad got it for me. I had no clue he was going to; he told me that he'd take me to look at phones and we'd talk about it, but, until then, he'd just get me minutes for my prepaid. He tricked me. :). I called Jeff at like 8 this morning, all excited about it. He picked the exact phone I would have picked out. I love it times infinity, and I'm so grateful that he got it for me and is willing to pay for my phone for me.

Whoa. I was wrong about last night being the worst. Tonight definitely takes that cake. I called him the worst boyfriend ever...yelled "fuck you" repeatedly...told him I hate him sometimes...called him a "fucking asshole"...told him I didn't know why I was still with him...and told him to kiss my fucking ass. Wow. It was bad. I think almost all of that was said out of pure anger, but still. I wonder if it got the point across.

Me=worst girlfriend ever. I basically told Jeff tonight that if he wasn't coming here next semester, with the amount we've been fighting and him not liking talking on the phone, even with me, anymore, we would have most likely broken up before May. And, he agreed. Gah.

We need to work on this communication thing.

We're up to 5 1/2 months now. My second longest relationship ever. I'm very happy about this. :)

Is it wrong that I have the sudden urge to hit someone or something? I just wish there was a good show going on right now. I need to be in a pit. I wish it were SOTY again right now. Just so I could go in the pit and fuck shit up. I have so much pent up anger. I don't even know why.

Hooray for universities being closed at noon due to inclimate weather! :)

I don't like this whole emotional PMS thing. Gah.

Everything has changed. My family has stayed the same...I mean, they always will. They'll always be here for me, that's what family does. I still feel welcome in my house at all times (even though I don't have a room anymore, haha). It's just...everyone else.

My high school friends. I always thought I'd still have a great relationship with them. I was under the illusion that it doesn't matter the distance, that we'd still keep in contact. I was wrong, as are many when they go to college. I should have known, since the only people who kept in contact with me the entire summer besides Jessie and Nikki (who were AT Cedar Point as well) was Lindsey every once in a while. As in, maybe once or twice a month. The comments on my Xanga came less and less. I receieved less e-mails, less phone calls, less texts, until they were basically nonexistant. And they still are. Occasionally I receive a comment on Facebook, a message or comment on Myspace, a phone call, a text, something. But, not too much. Everyone changes, and I am not exempt to this. Nor are my high school friends.

When I'm in this town now, I just feel...empty. My real friends are spread states apart. My real friends are the ones who I can tell everything to, the ones whom I have great relationships with. My Messenger friends...especially Rachel. She and I haven't talked so much lately, which, I know we're both busy. But, I miss her, and I just wanted her to know that.

My Cedar Point friends. They're from around the world. This past summer was the best summer of my life. I went into this job thinking I'd leave after a few weeks. But, after a few weeks, I realized how wrong that mentality was. I met so many great people, it was amazing. New friends from around the US and around the world. I miss them all more than they'd know. They're the reason I stuck around CP this summer, they kept me sane, and I love them all. And, who would have thought I would find my soul mate this summer? :-)

And, my college friends. They're always there for me. They help me through anything. They're a phone call, an IM, a text, and a two minute walk away. When I come home now...instead of missing my high school friends and wanting to get ahold of them...these are the people whom I miss. I want to be back at CMU hanging out with them. Now I know why people say your college friends will be the friends you have for the rest of your life. These friends keep me sane, no matter how hard college is.

Basically, my town doesn't feel like MY town anymore. It belongs to those who belong here. I no longer do. I'm on to bigger things, and every time I come back I realize that yes, this is where I come from, this is where my roots are, this will always be a part of me...but it is no longer ME.

This was reaffirmed by a simple trip to the coffee house last night. State Grounds. So many trips Lindsey and I had taken ended up there. I grew up going to theat coffee house. From the age of 14 to the present. But now...I no longer feel like I belong. The coffee house "scene" kids are the same ones that I grew up with...but they are not growing up. They're the ones who spend every night standing outside the coffee house, blowing smoke from cheap cigarettes out of the cheaply made up mouths resembling red slashes made by teachers on homework. The "scene" dyed black, choppy, volumized hair...or, in the guys' cases, long locks rarely washed. The tattered clothes bought from Gap, Abercrombie, American Eagle, or PacSun torn and frayed to resembled vintage. The scuffed up Chucks found in closets of their parents. The black eyeliner, piercings, tattoos, and addictions that they feel make them "unique". They'll never leave that town. They'll be in their 40's, sipping coffee out of their mugs, writing in their journals, and sitting around outside of State Grounds smoking the same cheap smokes. They have no will to grow up. No will to change. No will to experience life outside of this little box. They're the ones the future SHOULD belong to, but have no desire to make anything of themselves. They never will do anything. It saddens me. I'm one who got out. I realized there is life out there, and I had my coffee house phase, but that it's time to move on. Time to grow up. This will never happen for them, and it is such a sad realization.

And, on the subject of my friends again. I can't even tell my high school friends, or my best friend, things that are important to me. Things happening in my life. My own best friend. She grew up completely in this environment. And now, this environment has shaped her. She's judgmental, and it kills me inside. I can't tell her so many things because I know for a fact that she will jump to conclusions and judge me. It's horrible, I know...but I know this would happen.

So, for those who are still here for me...thank you, and I love you more than you know. For those who were my friends in high school...I'm still here. I still love you...but nothing is the same anymore, and we all know it.

I just want him here.
I want to be held.
I want reassurance.
I want to hear what I mean to him.
Is that so hard to ask?
Since when am I so insecure?

11/11 is over...awwww. :(

My boy got accepted to Central for next semester. I'm so happy, you don't even know. I can't wait to be able to cuddle with him every night. It'll be fantastic. I also get to see him in...well...less than a week, now. :). Story Of The Year, Monty Are I, Portugal The Man, and The Honorary Title on Saturday! Our 5 months on Sunday! And, I guess he's bringing me something when he comes to see me. Silly boy.

We got in the worst two fights ever these past few days. I didn't want to be alone on Wednesday night after fight number one, so, I went to Kat's. Well, technically Thursday morning. It was 3:30 in the morning. I stayed there, and stayed awake, until almost 8. Then I walked home and got an hour of sleep. And then, tonight. I IMed 3 of my friends (and told them they could bring a 4th) because I needed them. I was just in horrible shape. Kat comes sprinting to my dorm's main door, since it's CMU/WMU weekend and I needed to check them in. Soon after her, Stef comes sprinting too. Bre comes a few minutes after that, and then Derrick. It was so great to have such amazing friends who come at the drop of a hat to help me out. I love them tons, and they mean so much to me.

I'm at Bre's right now. I stayed the night here last night. She's still sleeping, but I'm wide awake. I'm not much of a late sleeper. Oh well. I would just like to say...it's here! My period is here! Right on time, haha. I realize I wanted it, and I'm grateful...but, at the same time, I'm having cramps, and I never do. It happens.

Is it wrong that I want my period to come early?

Morning calls for pain relief
A line above the step beneath
The worst that you could do
And the best that you could hope for
Is hardly the best

Tepid water chase the pills
With turpentine and chamomile
And don't get cheap with the wine
You need to be up all of the time

Shield your eyes, conceal your lies.

Don't blink, everyone's watching.
They'll think you're up to something.
They need for you to be everything
that they cannot be themselves.